Am I Dying?

Hello.

I'm back in Johor Bahru. :) It's been a hell of an intersession. I don't really like the classes but I do have to endure it. Yesterday I sat for a test, and Alhamdulillah I got 18.5 on 20. That is a relief for me as I didn't do good for my first test.

Okay moving on to what I want to write today. I just recovered from what I think is a series of panic attack. This started when I was in Shah Alam, where I often have that feeling of near-fainting. I've fainted before, so I know when I'm about to faint. First, I'll have that feeling of numbness growing from my hand upwards. Then I'll have this ringing noise in my ear. My heartbeat would escalate and that is when I realize that I might lose consciousness.

This pose a problem because I'm a very active guy. I went to class everyday without missing even one. Going to class is considered being active to me because my faculty is on top of a hill, and the parking lot is way down there, or even farther. Therefore I will have to walk for about ten to 15 minutes per trip, up hill everyday to go to class, which is on the 7th floor, with no elevator. Besides that, I'd go for a walk every evening, and I seldom sit at home as I'd go to the library, watch movies or just go shopping. To always experience near-fainting every now and then is quite a nuisance.

I went for a checkup, and everything was fine. I'm in perfect shape. But thing is I did not get my head checked. So the doctor suggested that I might have a tumor or maybe an infection. That is what bothered me. I really thought that I was about to die. I felt empty, I wanted to just go back home and be with my family to spend the last of my days (I know it's stupid but that's what I thought back then).

Then I started reading the internet, and suddenly, everything fits. I really thought I had tumor, and i thought I was going to die very soon. Turn out, I don't have a tumor. I was just overreacting, and because of that, I had this phobia of going out of the house (agoraphobia). Being me, it's very hard having this phobia because I go out a lot everyday.

Then, I seek help. From my parents and my uncle. My parents want me to handle my panic attack by being aware that I am actually very healthy. I should enjoy life because I'm at the peak of my youth. No responsibilities, good health, good life. My uncle points out that, why should I be afraid of dying. If I am to die, I'll die. No doctor can prevent it, no shaman can stop it, nobody can help me. I must help myself.

He told me a story about a guy he knew, that had the same condition. Difference is, the guy can't control that feeling. The condition impacted his life so badly that he cannot go anywhere alone. Any chance he got, he'll go to see the doctor or bomoh to treat his condition. The guy passed away lastly, because of a heart attack. The condition got into his head, and ended up exerting extra pressure to his heart. He was my uncle's father. The guy is my grandfather. Turns out, this is hereditary. Almost everyone in my family (my mother's side) experience this. I'm not alone.

Now, I'm recovering. I can go outside now, I can drive alone. However, I might still have that small feeling of uneasiness, escalating heartbeat, a bit panicky, but I try to ignore. I have to beat the condition because I need to go on with my life. I've been dodging invitations to hang out with old friends because of my condition. I need to have my life back. And Alhamdulillah, I'm slowly getting it. :)

ps; I really like the new MU jersey. I have the white one, now I'm planning to get the red one :)

Quality Friends

Hello. 

Yesterday's iftar (ceh, nak jugak ikut trend guna iftar) was quite okay. It is a very lively gathering between old friends, and we exchanged a few insults here and there to show that we care for each other. However, I was actually trying to avoid having a conversation with someone that I believe knows why I was doing so. That someone would have gotten my attention should that someone does not make me feel like a first aid kit last year.

I mean, you should treat your friends equally, all the time. And equally here does not necessarily means between friends, but towards one particular person too. You should treat that one friend equally, when you need him/her, and when you don't need him/her. This, is very hard for some to do.

This is because it's human nature to actually use the two-tier system when handling anything, even friendship. When you need them, amboi bukan main best friends forever tepuk tampar tangan dahi. But when you have no use of them, senyap sunyi macam jalan kat kampung at Maghrib during Ramadan. Why should it be that way? It is very rude to do that, and I know the feeling of the receiving end.

So I ended up trying to ignore that someone. In the end, I did feel a tinge of guilt, but to me, if I start to act normal again, the cycle would begin again. I'd rather be happy with more friends rather than being miserable just to entertain one person. 

On a lighter note, I went through the topic of quality this morning. My lecturer asked, what do you perceive as a quality goods. That made me think. It varies from one person to another, the perception of a quality goods. Therefore, when you accept the goods, you are satisfied with the quality, even though others might think that it is garbage. Well, who cares what people think right?

Then my lecturer went on and asked about a quality partner. It applies to that too. When you accept your partner as they are, that person would be a quality partner to you no matter how lousy they are. It's normal to hear stories like 'I really love him and he loves me too and we're one happy couple he's the nicest most handsome guy in the universe' even though the guy is Justin Bieber.

Like I said, who cares about what people think. If you feel and think that your partner is the best, carry on doing so. To me, I've a quality partner and I know people know that I have a quality partner. Now I'm trying my best to be one. My advise, be a good partner if your partner is good to you. Return the favor. If he/she is not, don't be one. It's hard to move mountains nowadays, so why bother?

A New Beginning

Hello!

It has dawned upon me that I have not been writing for almost two years now. Things have just been piling up and I just lost my mojo to write. Well I've been using the word mojo quite a lot nowadays, but I actually do not know what mojo is. I know Mojo Jojo though.

Okay that is why I don't usually blog. I'll get carried away with whatever my head is doodling without even touching the matter in hand. Come to think of it, why would you want to touch something that is already in your hand? Hmm...

Okay, because this is my first post after two years, do forgive my lack of creativity. You must have realized that the phrase touching the matter in hand is just made up words in order to look smart. In reality, I don't really feel smart. Okay that is a lie. I do feel smart. However, my lack or seriousness in studying usually gets in my way achieving superb grades.

Today for instance, I got my grades for the test (Banking Operation) that to me is very simple. However, it must be known that I am not really in the mood of studying. This is contributed by the fact that almost everyone I know, and I mean almost EVERYONE is now enjoying their holiday. So that would be my excuse for having low marks.

However, I have a plan. A plan that might not work, but I should just give it a shot ey? (Macam Canadian la pulak) I would score any effin tests or quizzes that will be given after this, and get back the grades that I wanted! Yeah!! Well my plan is a straightforward one, so if you have that condescending tone you better not. Well, at least I have a plan. :)

Okay I think this should suffice considering this is my first post after two years (do expect me to say this a lot after this) so till next time!

And oh yea before I forget, I do want to share this. I have a very great circle of friends. That is how I survive this madness we all call intersession. So if you are going through the same situation as I am, just look for a true friend that you can trust. I've found mine and it really helps. :)